When a Mother Can’t Stop Crying

by Tamika Eason on July 11, 2012

Words are our way, the Spirit and I—how I’ve learned to interpret my world of unexpected turns. And when life twists again it is Sunday.

The little ones are strapped in the backseat and my husband turned to me with a crinkled brow, how he wears his concern.

We listen together to the voice of a lost one challenge us. He tells us church shouldn’t be shoved down throats.

 I look and my husband’s tie is a bit crooked and my dress belt feels too tight around my waist. But we don’t waver because we wear Christ beneath the material. And we swallow blood-bought grace.

I imagine my thirteen year old at a different home this morning, with her other family, getting ready for church all alone. And her angry father on the phone with us—telling us she doesn’t really want to go.

And those words leave a weight against my chest. And I can’t stop carrying my children in my womb, even when they are walking away on their own two feet.

She is heavy now—weightier with time. And there are places she will have to walk without me. Follow the narrow way for her, not me. She will have to want it. This is what almost rips me open—that she gets to choose. We all get the chance to say ‘no thank you Lord.’

I didn’t hear the end—how we came to have peace about the whole thing, but he hangs up and strokes my hand. He asks me to say something, but I am looking up into the sky, following the line of sunshine. Mostly, waiting for Spirit words because that’s our way.

He nods, understands me, and shuffles into the sanctuary for some tithe envelopes while I sit with the girls in the car. The door clicks closed and I cry—bleed out the pain so I can speak. Wet grief pours over my cheeks, blush washing away. Mother tears I call them: Salty hopes whispered heavenward. Groaning’s only God can hear.

One of the little souls in the back wants to know why I am crying. She begs for me to quiet my sobs and share a bit of me for her to hold. Her age is in her words, and for the next few moments I wrap myself in them.

When the days of feasting had completed their cycle, Job would send and consecrate them, rising up early in the morning and offering (I)burnt offerings according to the number of them all; for Job said, “(J)Perhaps my sons have sinned and (K)cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually. (Job 1:5 NAS)

And while I pat away the pain on my cheeks, I pray for my child. Carry her as my burden to Christ; release my cares for her spirit to the Spirit, keeper of all. Until all my children buckle under the weight of sin. I will carry them, cover them, and cry endless tears until they are home.

Thank you Holy Spirit, for giving me words after many days of praying and waiting.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Jessica Nelson July 12, 2012 at 7:33 am

This is so beautiful and true. My boys are young still but I let them know that following Jesus is a choice, doing good things is a choice, and they’re choices my kids have to make, not me. It’s so very hard and you said it right about them being in our womb yet walking away.
I’m loving your prose!!!

And I’m sorry for the stress you’re going through. God sees your tears and I believe your daughter will find the way. *hugs*

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Sis C July 12, 2012 at 11:02 pm

What God is birthing in you will benefit us all.Keep moving ,no turning back.love you!

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Ellie Kings July 13, 2012 at 1:17 am

Oh Tamika how I’ve missed you… and your beautiful words, even if they’re filled with pain. I don’t have any children of my own, but I’m a mother at heart with my 15 nephews & nieces. I can only imagine a mother’s great heartache for their little ones even when they’re all grown. Take peace in the fact that nothing, no pain or hurt is greater than God. It’s taken me a long time to imderstand that & to heal, but I feel I’m almost there. And my hope for you is that u find a great inner peace such as the one I’m coming to find. Thank you so much for being there for me during my great loss. Know that I’m here for you as well. :) I love you girl! xoxo

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Tamika July 31, 2012 at 9:20 am

Jessica, my momma heart could use your prayers!

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